I've been doing a bit of pondering. Maybe it's the close of a year. Maybe it's the coming of a new one. Maybe it's a mid life crisis. Maybe it's just that I've lived long enough and experienced enough to know that time passes weather you put your self out there or not. The list of what if's is long enough that I don't want it to get bigger. I want to know. I want to know if it flops, fades or flies.
I am not trained writer. I am not a professional at anything. I am not organized. I am not a conversationalist.
I am full of wonder. I am interested in people. I am grateful to be a woman. I am a wife. I am humbled by motherhood. I am full of insecurities. I am full of resiliency. I am drawn to happiness. I am at times overcome by heartache. I am a learner. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I am a lover of pictures and documenting. I am imperfect.
I feel a need to be more intentional. I'm 95% sure that will be my 2020 word for the year. Intention. It's kind of all encompassing, which I will try to keep simple. I want to be intentional with my needs. I want to be intentional about my family. I want to be intentional about my relationship with God. I want to be intentional about service.
It's an interesting thing to be in the years that could be the middle of my life. I've had a lot of experiences and I struggle to imagine what else could come. Some times I get lost in the thoughts of never getting to this place or that. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by all that is expected of me and all that I'd like to be doing. There are parts of my life that I feel very peaceful about and other parts I have a lot of anxiousness. I suppose that it true in a lot of peoples lives and switches at different seasons. I am grateful for the peace I feel. And if I step back I am grateful for the anxiousness too. It means that I am still learning and growing. It means I'm being nudged to keep going.
So that's what I'll do.